obligatory job hunt post

i really need to report this somewhere for the world (theoretically) to see: the job search scares me. never have i been humbled to such an extent--maybe crushed is the more appropriate verb. yes, there were those first year moments in college, but those PALE in comparison to THIS. THIS job search makes me feel useless, unaccomplished, direction-less, and desperate. while my fingers instinctively type out the phrase 'i loathe it' when i ponder my job search, my right brain (ha! i have to be creative to come up with an optimistic perspective) is telling me something else altogether: that i need and appreciate this and should be thanking, not kicking, myself for making the decision to not enroll in a PhD program last fall and instead embark on a few years of paid work. so creatively thinking about this: this is excellent--an opportunity to reevaluate my career direction, make some money, consider some non-academic career options, thoroughly research graduate school programs and advisers, and work on myself. this all sounds perfect except two things get in the way: the economy and my neuroticism. okay, so the job market still sucks, regardless of signs of recovery. companies and organizations, even those hiring a month-long temp field assistant to collect invertebrates in wetlands, have been inundated with hundreds of applications. my response is to just wallow in self pity for being so unfortunate as to chose the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression to find an entry level job. but again, my good old right brain is telling me otherwise--that i should treat this as a challenge and opportunity for character development. i'm going through shit but when i manage to crawl out, i'll have grown a thick forest of new chest hairs (please, figuratively speaking). also, it is my neuroticism that is the source of my violent swings between optimism and pessimism.

well, all i can definitively say that all this violent swinging is exhausting and more injuriously, absolutely tormenting. sometimes i just want to cave in and trade satisfaction for some ease. i must be extremely weary to be entertaining such awful, defeatist thoughts.